When Toodlers Bite
When Toddlers Bite
Biting is distressing to all concerned. Learn the strategies parents and daycare providers can implement to curb it, while ensuring that this developmental phase is short-lived.
Diana Lilly, of San Diego, says that when she learned her 16-month-old daughter Julianne was biting at daycare, she was "surprised, unhappy, and hoped it was a one-time incident that would never happen again." Unfortunately her daughter has continued to occasionally bite the children around her.
If your toddler bites another child your first reaction is likely to be similar to Lilly's—perhaps including disbelief and horror. While hitting and grabbing are sometimes viewed as completely normal and expected behavior, many parents believe that biting is unusual or a sign of deeper problems. On a purely instinctual level, biting seems more primitive to some parents, and they feel it requires a stronger immediate response than a shove or a slap.
But experts concur that toddlers bite as frequently as they hit, and you really can't tell which toddler will engage in the behavior. Your best bet is to note the situations in which biting occurs and plan your strategy to curb the behavior accordingly.
If Biting Happens
Toddlers tend to bite other toddlers, rather than adults or older children, for a variety of reasons. One reason is that toddlers tend to become over-stimulated or frustrated easily and don't yet have the language skills to express themselves. Another is that toddlers are notoriously bad sharers and use biting and physical aggression to get the toys they want, or keep the toys that they have. So it's no wonder that biting often occurs in daycare—one of the few places where children are largely in the company of their peers.
If you suddenly learn that your toddler has bitten a playmate, what should you do? "Parents need to look at what was happening when the biting occurred. Is something happening to this child? Is there enough supervision at daycare? Are there enough toys in the environment?" says Dr. Dawn Cardwell of Guiding Hands Pediatrics in South Orange, New Jersey. "You'll also want to know whether there are other biters currently at the daycare to see if your child is imitating other children's behavior."
Gretchen Kinnell, director of education and training for Child Care Solutions, a Syracuse, New York, childcare resource and referral agency, and author of No Biting: Policy and Practice for Toddler Programs, says that if your child bites a peer at daycare, a good childcare program will have strategies to help make this developmental phase short-lived.
"Parents should expect caregivers and the director to have training specific to biting. They shouldn't have a one-size-fits-all approach," Kinnell says. "The program should be putting their efforts into getting the child to exhibit more appropriate behavior. [The parents] need to look at [the daycare] programs, because one of the reasons children are biting could be the environment at daycare."
Christi Craig of Atlanta, says that when her daughter Della's daycare sent home a report stating that her child had bitten a classmate, the report included a poem and some general instructions about how to handle biting, including comforting the bitten child and firmly telling the biter that he or she was wrong.
"I'm glad that the policy in place focuses more on redirecting the kids rather than trying to shame them," Craig says.
Redirection is a great tool for curbing a biting child. If you see your child becoming frustrated, step in and offer help. If your child is getting into an altercation over a toy, negotiate a compromise.
Nicola Onychuk of Naperville, Illinois, whose daughter Yvette went through a biting phase when she was two, says offering a better choice worked for her. "We had good luck with giving her a substitute behavior. We'd say, 'No biting! Gentle kisses!' It helped that I could sort of tell when she was getting ready to bite, because of the way her mouth was moving and could head it off. We did the same with hitting—I would take her hand and show her how to give a gentle stroke instead."
Unlike hitting, however, parents often unconsciously model biting with their children. Who hasn't bitten her toddler's ears or laughed as a teething baby gummed an adult finger? A toddler sees this and may actually believe that biting will get positive attention.
"When they are biting and looking at you for a response is when you need to make sure that your response is in line with what you are trying to reinforce," says Dr. Cardwell. "Tell your child, 'this hurts Mommy'—with your eye contact, facial expressions, and tone of voice. You have to let your child know that this behavior is not okay."
Understanding the Consequences
Immediate consequences are important when a child bites. Separate your child and the child he has bitten, and get your child involved in comforting the bitten child. Get down to your child's level, speak in a firm voice, and let your child know that what he did is unacceptable. If your child bites while he's with a caregiver, don't discipline him again after you get him home because he may not even remember that the incident has occurred.
Diana Lilly says that she and her husband asked their daycare provider for a strong response when Julianne bites.
"They started out with just removing her from the situation and distracting her. We told them to speak with her very strongly. They've now started putting her in a crib and she hates being put in a crib by herself. She is starting to understand that this is a consequence of doing something wrong."
To head biting off at the outset, parents should be aware of situations that make their child unduly anxious or frustrated and try to limit them wherever possible. For instance, your child may not be ready to have playdates at home, where he has to share his toys. Or she may not be able to cope with crowded, noisy playgrounds without feeling threatened, which may make her lash out and bite.
This Too Shall Pass
Although biting is very common in toddlers, experts say that you should expect to see children outgrow this behavior by age four. By this point, children have a greater ability to express their feelings verbally and have learned the basics of sharing. In the meantime, while it's tough watching your child's every movement to make sure she doesn't bite her friends, Kinnell reminds parents that it really is just a phase.
"If biting wasn't developmentally related, we would expect to see adults biting each other," she says.
Written by
Jan Wilson
Ireland's leading Early Years education Magazine
