Teaching Manners
Teaching Manners
Are children between the ages of 1 and 3 capable of learning manners?
Absolutely, but you have to keep your goals realistic. You will never get a 2-year-old to chew with her mouth closed. Focus instead on conveying the idea of manners, the concept that there are ways to behave and ways not to behave. If you get this idea across early and often, your child will catch on faster -- and resist less -- when you start adding specifics later. Also, never underestimate the power of setting an example. It may sound simplistic, but the best way to have polite kids is to be polite. If your child consistently hears courteous discourse around the house, that's the way she'll talk, too.
Where do I begin?
Trust your instincts. Saying "please" and "thank you" is usually the first bit of courtesy any parent tries to teach, and you can start as soon as your child is using some words to communicate, usually sometime after the first year. It's going to be a long time before she gets "please" and "thank you" down, but once your baby starts talking you'll probably find yourself automatically tacking on the polite words and pausing for her to repeat them. Parents have done this for generations: "What do you say?" "What's the magic word?" They were right.
Is there anything I can teach besides "please" and "thank you"?
Civilized behaviour frequently calls for sitting still, and learning to sit without squirming for more than five minutes straight is a major achievement for a 2 or 3-year-old. Never put yourself in a situation where disaster will strike if your child wiggles or wails. (You know you always have to take an aisle seat at weddings so you and the small cranky one can slip out fast, right?) But family dinners or visits to relatives' homes can be terrific practice time. Make sure your goals are reasonable. Fifteen minutes at the dinner table, bottom on the chair the whole time, can be terribly hard work for a squirmy toddler. You might want to set incrementally increasing goals, perhaps using a kitchen timer: five minutes at first and then another couple of minutes as she gets the hang of it. Expect backsliding. Try to stay cheerful about it.
What about social niceties with other people?
A 2-year-old can learn to say "hello" when arriving for visits or meeting new people and "goodbye" when it's time to go. She will be wildly unreliable about it, saying "hello" very sweetly on one occasion and then collapsing into shyness or bursting into tears on the next. But in general it's a good move to teach these salutations because they pave the way for the more advanced stuff, like "It's nice to meet you" and shaking hands. By the time she's 3, your child can also begin learning not to demand your attention when you're mid-sentence with somebody else. There's no point in getting mad at a child this small for expecting exclusivity with you, but you can say firmly, "That's called interrupting, and we try not to do it, okay? When Uncle John finishes what he's saying, I will talk to you." (To a 3-year-old, "in a minute" or "in a little while" may seem like a vague and endless stretch of time.)
Telephone calls are another good opportunity to teach your child that there are times when she has to wait for your attention. As long as she's not in danger or discomfort, a 3-year-old can learn to wait for five to 10 minutes while you're talking. She'll see the receiver at your ear as a personal affront and will insist that you get off or talk to her at the same time, but this is your chance to hold to one of those limits kids really need. Make sure your child knows she'll get you back when you have finished talking, and don't let her bully you into abruptly ending your conversation -- though you'll have to keep it from going on too long.
Can my child learn to use manners with other kids yet?
She can start. Toddlers' first quarrels are usually over sharing their toys, which from their perspective is an outrageous thing to ask of them. Don't expect sainthood, but you will do your child a favour if you start teaching her now that when other children are around she can't hog all the toys, whether at home, at creche or preschool. Lay down some simple ground rules: if there's a favourite one-person toy, everybody takes a turn with it. Nobody gets to decide how somebody else plays with a toy, as long as the toy isn't being damaged. Nobody gets to hit, shove, or name-call. Respond to infractions first with a clear warning; if that doesn't take care of the problem, you can give a time-out to a child who's over 2. The last step, if necessary, is an immediate end to the play session. Finally, don't forget to praise your child -- specifically naming the nice thing she just did ("It was nice of you to let Simon throw your ball") -- any time she behaves generously or thoughtfully around other children.
What can I reasonably expect of my 3-6 year old child?
Inconsistency, for one thing. A 4-year-old is capable of being amazingly polite one day and spitting his milk at you the next just to see what will happen. But even very young children can learn more than "please" and "thank you". You're teaching your child rules every day; don't run into the street, don't put your hand on a hot cooker, don't hit other children. Small children thrive on structure, even as they continually test limits. Teaching good manners is merely setting a few more rules.
How should I start?
Start in small doses, setting realistic goals. You aren't going to get impeccable table manners out of a 4-year-old, but you can lay out a few basic requirements that apply to anybody who sits down to eat. For example elbows off the table.
Mouths get wiped with napkins, not sleeves. Anyone who leaves the table should first ask to be excused. When it comes to sitting still at the family dinner table, be firm but reasonable. Twenty minutes sitting on the chair may be hard work for a squirmy 5-year-old, but he can probably manage 15. Again, you might want to set incremental goals, perhaps using a kitchen timer with a bell: 10 minutes at first, adding a minute or two as he gets the hang of it. Expect backsliding and again, try to stay cheerful.
The key is to convey the basic principle - guess what, there are rules called "manners" that everybody follows - without loading on so many directives that you make your child (and yourself) miserable trying to keep them all straight.
Decide on a few baseline social skills you'd like your child to have: saying "hello" and "goodbye" when grandparents come to visit; answering the telephone politely (a 6-year-old can learn to say, "Who’s speaking please?” when they answer the telephone.); sending thank-you notes, even if they're just thank you printed in crayon with a drawing. Then consistently enforce them, so they become inescapable facts of family life.
How do I keep manners instruction from turning into a war of wills?
Start by setting an example - something that's easier in theory than in practice. (How faithfully do you write your thank-you notes?) If a family member is standing in front of the fridge when you need to open it, say "Excuse me". Follow through on the rules you've set - if table manners only seem to be required when you have company, your child is going to catch on fast that they're mostly for show. Praise him when he makes the right moves, but don't make an enormous event out of good manners; the idea is to make basic courtesy as an unremarkable and necessary a part of his life as a regular bedtime.
Your child may understand better if you explain manners as a form of respect for others. When it comes to interrupting, for example, you can tell your child its not considerate to demand your attention when you're mid-sentence with somebody else. Remind him of how deflated he feels when someone interrupts his stories of what he did today in play school.
Be polite to your child and when you have the time, practice a few extra niceties. (Small children love having adults defer gravely to them, "Would you please pass me the butter?")
Before social events, remind your child what's expected of him, especially if the situation will be unfamiliar. Rehearse en route, so that by the time you pull up in front of your relatives' house, your child hasn't forgotten the part about saying "hello." Remember, though, that he's going to blow it sometimes, because every child does.
After parties and other public events, it can also be quite effective, if somewhat more underhanded, to join your child in observing how awful some other child's manners were. (Don't do this unless you're certain you won't be running into the bad-mannered child again soon, or your 4-year-old is going to spot him and cry, "Look, Mummy, the rude boy!")
Finally, remind yourself, when you're tempted to let unseemly habits slide, that it is not fair to your child to let him grow up thinking manners don't matter. His own friends know they do. As children get older- they know which of their peers are thoughtless, mean, or bossy - and an inconsiderate child gets a reputation. With your help, your child can be known as one of the nice ones.
Written by
Ireland's leading Early Years education Magazine
