Teasing
Teasing
• How can I stop my child from teasing?
• Why do toddlers tease?
• Is it wrong for me to tease my toddler?
How can I stop my child from teasing?
The short answer is you can't. Every child teases, from the peekaboo of infancy to the "I'm going to get you!" round-the-sofa chases of early childhood. But you can stop your child from teasing too much or too harshly.
If it is becoming a problem - talk to him. Start out by letting him know why you want to discuss his teasing, that is, because his friends or siblings are complaining about it, and you don't like it, either. Explain that there's a difference between a funny comment and taunting that leads to tears. Let him know that his gibes have a consequence. His friends and family may not want to play with him anymore.
Then ask your child what makes him tease. Is he angry? - jealous? - afraid that someone will pick on him? He might be worried that he's bigger or shorter or less co-ordinated than other children. Perhaps he's getting teased himself and striking back. If he has a new baby brother or sister, maybe he resents getting less time with you than he used to. Reassure your child, and let him know that you can teach him other ways to feel secure and handle conflicts.
Finally, give your child a few simple do’s and don'ts: Don't call people names, don't chant or sing catchy phrases about them, and don't taunt them about things they can't change, like the colour of their hair or the shape of their nose. On the other hand, it's fine to poke a little fun at a friend who likes it, to gently tease your parents and siblings (stopping if they want you to), and to make clever, kind hearted remarks that make others laugh.
Resist the urge to tease your child as a way of getting him to stop, like hitting your child so that he'll quit hitting. This technique never works and may backfire. Better to lead by example, showing your child ways to express himself without putting others down.
Why do toddlers tease?
Typically, for three reasons: as a way of testing their growing need for independence and control; as a response to new situations and people; and as an aggressive technique, for example, to goad another child into handing over a coveted toy.
Many toddlers start out teasing their parents. Your child probably loves to play "I'm going to get you!" -- you lunge for him, and he runs away, squealing with fear and delight. He's both scared you'll catch him and hoping you do. It's an easy way to experience the thrill of separation and reattachment, an important issue at this age.
Toddlers also learn to tease as they're introduced to new situations, such as daycare, and notice differences in the ways people look and act. Your child may realise that other children still suck soothers, for example, or notice that another child's hair is curly and red, and reminds him of a clown. Your child may verbalise what he sees by poking fun.
What's more, toddlers quickly learn that taunting can be a powerful tool in group play. On the playground your child may notice that teasing a particular child can make him run to his mother instead of taking his turn on the slide. Or maybe another child mocks your child for wearing a nappy, he doesn't know how to respond, and so he teases right back, which escalates into fighting and crying.
If you notice that your toddler teases in a hostile, manipulative, or defensive way, it's time for a talk. A child who teases too much or too harshly may be upset or uncomfortable with his environment; get him to tell you about his anger, fear, and frustration, and suggest gentler ways for him to respond.
Is it wrong for me to tease my toddler?
No, as long as you tease in a way that's not harmful or cruel.
Give your child a good example by teasing him in a playful and loving way, or as part of a game. Neither you nor your child should indulge in name-calling, sniggering about bodies or body functions, or scornful chanting. Don't tease your child in public, especially if it will embarrass him. Calling him "my little piggy" or "pudding face" in front of his friends could give him a label he'll never lose. And don't confuse ribbing with discipline: Don't try to tease your child into using the potty, for example, or picking up his toys. Teach him how to do these things; don't shame him if he can't.
You're the most important factor in your toddler's psychological development. He'll model much of his behaviour on yours. By observing limits when you tease, you show your child how to clown around in a way that not only doesn't hurt people but makes them like him.
Why do older kids tease?
One of many reasons is the simple fact that they have a powerful sense of humour. Laughter is a sign of a healthy child, and as your youngster's language skills expand, he will delight in unexpected rhymes and puns (he meets a girl named Hannah and notices it sounds like banana). Children also use teasing to show affection and to get a distracted parent to notice them. And older children sometimes tease younger siblings to pressure them into giving up "baby" behaviour, such as thumb-sucking or whining.
However, some children tease because they're angry -- jealous of a friend's new toy or resentful of a younger brother or sister. Children also tease defensively, if they feel insecure about their own appearance, abilities, or importance to others. Natural aggression is another reason: Between the ages of 3 and 6, children shift from physical tactics (biting, hitting, and pushing) to verbal ones (taunting, threatening, and insulting).
If your child teases too frequently or too harshly, it may be a sign that he feels insecure or angry. If he needles a sibling, it could be that he wants more attention from you. Talk to your child to find out what motivates his jeering, and how you can help him stop.
So, is teasing wrong?
In moderation, teasing can be a good thing -- a way for your child to develop a sense of humour and to share a laugh with you and others. Tweaking you now and then also allows your child to assert a bit of independence and spirit without being outright rebellious or disobedient.
Try giving your child these simple do’s and don'ts:
- Don't tease anybody about his "comforter" or soother; lots of children have things that comfort them.
- Don't tease about bodies -- the colour of a child’s hair, the fact that another child still wears nappies. That kind of taunting is mean. (Tell your child that if he's unsure whether his words are mean, he should imagine how he'd feel if somebody said the same thing to him.)
- Don't gang up with a bunch of children to pick on somebody. If a group starts teasing one child, find an adult to break it up.
- Do tease a friend if it's part of a game or you're making him laugh. But if he gets sad or starts to cry, stop right away.
- Do listen for "stop." That's what people say when they've had enough. Think of that word as a giant red stop sign telling you it's time to quit.
Written by
Ireland's leading Early Years education Magazine
