The Angry Child
The Angry Child
Most of us find it fairly easy to have sympathy for the child who is showing signs of sadness or fear, confusion or pain. We wipe away tears, comfort the sore spot, offer reassurance and provide consolation. Generally we are confident that we can easily recognise what the child is expressing by their tears, their facial expression or the way they might hide their faces. Some emotions appear to be simple to identify and straightforward to alleviate. The one emotion that presses our buttons and usually draws forth a strong desire to simply ‘make it go away’ is that of anger.
Anger is a very basic, fundamental emotion and as such is essential for our survival. Anger is one of two primary responses to threat. In our evolutionary past our survival depended on our ability to respond to threats, such as predators, by experiencing either fear or anger depending on our strength relative to that of the predator. If the predominant emotion was anger we would attack with relative confidence; if it was fear we would attempt to escape as fast as possible. Nowadays most of us are not faced with major physical threat but we are programmed biologically to respond to certain kinds of stress by feeling and acting on the emotions of anger and fear.
Even adults are not always clear about their feelings. Some situations may make us feel a range of complex, even contradictory emotions. We have the ability to rationalise our emotions, check what might be causing them and what way to respond. Even with the power of rational thought, adults frequently make mistakes when identifying their own emotions. Past traumas can make us feel fear, even in situations which are actually safe, or excitement can blind us to actual emotional danger in relationships. Children do not have a fully developed system of rationalisation. They may not know what they are feeling; never mind why they are feeling that way. If they experience what they perceive to be a threat (e.g. someone taking their crayons or a favourite staff member leaving) they may not feel safe enough to express vulnerability and so may express anger instead.
Some children do face real threats on a daily basis. They live with emotional, physical or sexual abuse or general neglect as part of their routine. Fear may be so deeply buried within them, they have no access to it. Anger may be closer to the surface. In addition they may witness or be subject to anger from the adults responsible for them. Day by day they absorb the emotional pain which it is not safe to express, until someone takes their crayon or gets in front of them in the queue for dinner and they just explode in aggression. Very often we tell those children that what they have done is wrong. If we have the time and patience we might even ask what made them do it but the emphasis is usually on correction. That is understandable and it is important to have clear boundaries around behaviour. However it is also very important for staff and parents to realise that all our emotions are necessary for full human expression. If a child appears to be frequently angry there must be a reason.
Carol was six years of age, a bright attractive child who was doing well at school and had some good friends. She was very articulate and keen to express her opinions. Over the course of several weeks she became very angry. Very small innocent remarks would be interpreted as insults and lead to temper tantrums and loud screaming, the usual rules about bedtime and little chores seemed to be unbearable to her. Every day was spent shouting, screaming and resisting all efforts to comfort or influence her. Her mother was told by a behavioural therapist to tighten the boundaries and increase the ‘punishment’ (grounding her). The mother was told she was inconsistent. I recommended a combination of sticking to established rules and consequences as well as putting time aside every day to listen to Carol. We used painting, dance and story telling to get to the root of Carol’s anger. One day Carol’s mother found her in the bathroom mixing up a concoction of shampoo, body lotion, loo cleaner etc. When asked gently what she was doing she said she was going to put a spell on her sister. It turned out that she felt totally dominated by her older sister who was very bright, very bossy and critical. After a short discussion and a promise by her mother to make sure that the older sister showed more respect, Carol’s anger totally disappeared and her aggressive behaviour ceased overnight. Carol’s mother kept her promise and also made sure not to favour the older sister. She gave Carol some extra responsibilities to boost her self esteem and gave her lots of praise. That was a year ago and Carol has not expressed any untoward anger since that time.
It is very important that children (and adults) learn to recognise and name their emotions and this is even more important for children with communication problems or developmental delay. These children will struggle to process emotions on a neurological level and need extra support in understanding and expressing emotions.
Parents and staff can draw pictures and make faces to teach children how to recognise and name emotions. This can be developed to work towards safe ways of expressing feelings. Art, dance, pottery, story telling, visualisation and drama can all be used to help children to express all their emotions safely.
When they explode or simmer with anger we can simply approach them and name the feeling for them without judgement or consequences- ‘Your face is all scrunched up and you are very loud, perhaps you are angry….. it is ok to feel angry even though it can feel bad inside.’ You can ask the child where she feels the anger, what it looks like. Children as young as three will usually be able to describe the sensations they are experiencing using words like – it’s red and spiky and it hurts my throat. You can ask them to imagine it changing so it feels nice again. This approach is very reassuring and empowering for adult and child. Anger can be so overwhelming and often arouses similar feelings in those who witness it. Interrupting the cycle of emotion in this way gives everyone a breathing space and shows the child how to let go of the anger without denying it or feeling guilty about it.
Of course, if the child is expressing anger through aggression then that behaviour will require a planned response to ensure safety for all concerned.
Don’t forget the angry child is just as needy and vulnerable as the sad or scared child, and your ability to help him to name the anger is a huge support to him in changing both the painful emotion and the difficult behaviour.
Siobhan O’Rourke - Challenging Behaviour Therapist/Life Coach
Siobhan provides a range of staff training and family intervention services – to make an appointment please contact siobhanteaching@eircom.net or 086 202521
Written by
Siobhan O'Rourke
www.positivechange.ie
Ireland's leading Early Years education Magazine
